This last twelve months has passed at an incredible rate. The seconds ticked by so quickly. Counting down the sunsets and sunrises of each new day as they casually went about their business. Never questioning their reason for doing this, just continually ticking forward each day. Tick, tick, tick. The sound is deafening. In the blink of an eye it seems we’ve moved from November 2016, and November 2017 has launched itself with a bang. Not sneaking up quietly, but hammering and banging as loud as it can to announce to the world I’m here. It’s a strange conundrum that the hands of time, for me really haven’t moved.
It’s a strange sensation when everything has changed, but nothing really has changed! It still feels like November 2016. It looks like the calendar is lying . There’s a real sliding doors feeling in the air. Before and after November 15 2016. Before Kyle’s passing and after losing him.
Twelve months down the track and all the shock and emotion are still apart of our lives. Twelve months on and no questions have been answered. Twelve months on and there are days where we still question is this really real. Are we stuck in a nightmare. Twelve months on and there are times I question was Kyle ever real. Of course he was because there is no other explanation for this pain and sadness.
I still don’t understand how my sister has gotten through. How she has managed to put one foot in front of the other each day. The answer is simple. It isn’t a matter of strength or courage. It’s because she has no real choice. We all have to get up each day and face it as it comes. It’s just doing what needs to be done in each moment to make it to the next. Don’t get me wrong, there is strength and courage aplenty in my sister. Getting through the loss of her only child however takes more than strength. It takes determination, belief, hope and a whole host of charateristics yet to be defined. Making the decision each day to walk, breathe, work, even when there was no motivation to do any of them. I know there where days when none of that was possible. Some way however we all continue to move forward through the fog. Moving on is not really an option. But moving forward one day at a time can and needs to be done.
Over the last twelve months I’ve struggled to understand why this loss is so much harder to take than other deaths we encountered. What is it about suicide that makes the healing that much harder. The loss of Kyle is so much harder to come to terms with, not because of who he was or his age. He was and will always be amazing to me. So to have many of the other people we’ve lost been. I’ve come to the conclusion that it is the way in which he went. The actual act of suicide that has affected us all so intensely.
You can come to terms and acceptance of the physical loss of someone in a pretty standard way. You will always cherish them and adore their memory. They will never be forgotten and thoughts of them will make you smile and laugh. The challenge with losing someone to self harm is the thoughts that surround them. This person that you thought was unique, amazing and special. Would of done anything for. Would have stopped the world turning for them if you could have. Didn’t see it. They thought they were worthless and a burden. They actually believed that you would be better off without them. Twelve months down the track I can assure you, not one of us is any better off. Somehow they couldn’t see how wonderful they actually were. They spent so much of their last few hours in excruciating pain. The pain was so intense that no matter how much you tried you couldn’t help them over come it.
The burden of their pain is passed on. You carry it around with you as you go through your day. The questions invade your mind at all hours. The guilt never leaves and the heartache of their struggles stay with you. There is always a touch of sadness and pain that accompanies their memory. It’s the way it was done that makes the loss of someone to self harm take so long to come to terms with.
Twelve months on I’ve learnt a few things. Suicide isn’t the cowards way out. It isn’t selfish. It certainly isn’t the only option. Depression and self harm go arm in arm. It takes an army to defeat depression. No one is ever truly alone. No one is a mind reader and no matter how much you try, you can’t help someone who wont ask for help. Twelve months down the track our lives have been completely changed. In so many ways however, they will never really change again.
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